Day 348

Almost a year I’ve been doing this project, and I forget about blogging until I’m tucked into bed tonight, so here are two phone shots from today. It makes me happy to see I made the top of Aaron’s list, and he would absolutely make mine. The gray zone of employment or rejection is upon me, and while I’m trying to not think about it, I dare say it’s borderline impossible to not. With another interview on my calendar Tuesday, I want to know if I need to make the over 250mi trip or not. Fingers crossed that I hear before the weekend. S

Day 347

How can I sleep if I don’t I have dreams? I just have nightmares. And how can it be? I still believe something is out there.

My music tastes were all across the board today with most of the day fueled by dub step beats to keep me moving while I round out with The Neighborhood now to chill myself out.

Mild OCD pays off when it comes to cleaning because Aaron’s room looks great. It was nice looking through pictures of us from when we were little as I organized too. I just miss him a lot.

Among all the items that needed placing back in his room, I found a copy of Murder by the Millions: Rudolf Hoess at Auschwitz. It sounds twisted to say I’m excited by this find, but I love reading any texts relating to mass atrocities, especially ones that depict trials because it’s amazing what you can learn from about a perpetrator through his/her language.

I miss academia.


Day 346

More organizing and sorting today as I’ve moved onto my brother’s room since he gave me the go ahead. I went through our children’s books to alphabetize them and came across a few favorites like this one.

Being physically busy helps the days pass while I wait for employment news, but my mind still has a lot of freedom.


Day 345

Today was the first shirtless running day of the season and may also have been the first time I ran both without a shirt and body image issues this early in the season.

I’m becoming anxious as I wait to hear back from my last interview. It’s still too early to even reach the quick side of their time range, but I’d really like to know just the same.

When going through some things, I found a poem I wrote before my grandpa’s funeral last year. I considered typing it here, but I think it’s better off tucked back into the back cover of a moleskin, complete with its pen scratches and tear stained paper.


Day 344

When you’re neither under the age of 10 or religious, Easter is a non-holiday. I felt like coloring eggs, so I did that, but everything else was typical of any Sunday.

I could use a massage. All of the lifting and moving, driving, and, most of all, the stress of this week has my body in need of care from strong hands.


Day 343

Since the speed packing of the last few days hardly meets my organizational standards, I started reorganizing today now that I’m home and not pressured to leave in a hurry. The weather was also beautiful, so Lily went out for not one but two walks today, warranting the large kitten yawn above.

Marc and Marti both checked in on me today which was unbelievably comforting.

Tomorrow is Easter, and I haven’t even colored eggs. Aaron and I always used to do that together.


Day 342

If I could vomit, removing you from my body like a sickness, I would. But no amount of purging will release me. I still feel you deep inside of me.


Day 341

I did what felt right and went to see Jacob’s Senior Night lacrosse game. SU came away with the win in a very close and exciting game. As always, I loved watching him play tonight. He makes me so proud out there.

When we had to part ways, I was fortunate to have Nikki with me for the drive.

My body is shutting down in stages from emotional drain and lack of nourishment, and sleep seems like the conclusion requiring the least effort.

Even a few months ago, today would have felt much different. Instead it’s this feeling.


Day 340

Today was long but successful. Thanks to my experience living in London, navigating DC wasn’t anxiety-inducing like it was my last visit several years ago. Two people even asked me for directions today, so I pulled off the look of confidence.

The 3.5 hours I spent at the office went well. The biggest worry I have is that my background shows pretty frankly that I’m an academic writer, and they’re looking for a journalistic writer. It’s not hard for me to learn to mimic a new style because I have a natural tendency to emulate what I’m reading, so let’s hope I get the chance to try.

I’m beat. Today was a really long one. Sorry about the iPhone photos, but I couldn’t fit my camera in my handbag with all the other necessities. I wish I did have my camera, though, to capture some of the sights. The little bird at the bottom was absolutely adorable. I saw a bunch of them in the city, and they’re so round and cute. They were so accustomed to people that photographing them would have been really easy. All the greenery, including countless tulips and daffodils, was blooming in the city too, which was a nice touch of the natural world. Plants bloom faster in cities because of the increased concentration of CO2 from the city traffic. Marc taught me that one. And the architecture was pretty amazing in terms of the variance of style from neighborhood to neighborhood. I walked everywhere once I got there, so I was able to take more in.

I droned on a bit more than necessary, but I’m pretty proud of myself about today. Navigation has never been my strongest point, but I didn’t get lost or flustered today. Even when my phone died and I didn’t have a map anymore, I didn’t panic, I problem solved. It might seem insignificant, but it feels good.


Day 339

I remember April 15th, 2013 as well as I remember today. For the running community, the devastation was in Boston, but it was also much closer to home for me. I ran early in the afternoon that day because I had a student conduct board hearing at 4:30. The hearing was notably long and very stressful. Hours later when I left, I had several missed calls and texts from my brother. As soon as I picked up something for dinner, I planned to call him back, but he called me again before I made it to the campus food services. “I need to talk to you. Are you sitting down? Grandpa died today.” Jacob answered my call and was to my room as fast as I was. He took such good care of me, both that night and the weeks that followed.

Aaron and I got to FaceTime this morning, the first time we’ve actually talked in months. He knew all the emotional and physical stress was compounding, and we needed each other today. He’s my best friend, and I miss him every single day.

I kept myself busy with packing on this rainy day and went out with Nikki tonight to purchase some plastic totes to organize and contain my sentimental salvage that comprises half of the things I have here. The other half are my books.

Tomorrow is a big day: traveling to DC and engaging in the longest interview session of my life. I’m really trying to not let everything else in my life influence tomorrow. Deep breaths, tissues, and hopefully better sleep tonight.